Rolling up the sleeves | Varsity Online

Rolling up the sleeves | Varsity Online:

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My first article for Varsity:

Eyebrows were raised after a weekend of dogged resolve in English sport, prompting questions over whether Stuart Lancaster and Andy Flower have been sharing laboratory sessions with the absent-minded professor that discovered "flubber," a rubber-like super-bouncy substance.

The substance that appears to be influencing British sport at the moment

The cause of this curiosity is England’s newfound bounce-back-ability, a word that definitely exists, especially in the absence of a rational explanation for seemingly improbable events.

The first of these came when an inexperienced rugby side – with just 248 caps between them, and eight players with 10 appearances or less – staged an impressive comeback on a snowy outing in Rome in the second of their Six Nations fixtures. Deploying all their reserves of willpower, England scored 13 unanswered points in 8 minutes (with a conversion rate higher than Berlusconi’s in a bunga-bunga session/faster than rising cost of Italian bond yields), suggesting that the Italians had colder fingers during this period. The second event came when England rediscovered their mojo in the cricket, thrashing Pakistan by 130 runs in the first one-day international in Abu Dhabi.

Yet comparing England to a green, pulsating, bouncing blob at this stage may seem overly generous, particularly when you consider that the rugby outfit are still to score a try that doesn’t rely on a charitable donation. Not to belittle such random acts of kindness, but it would be nice to score a try that does not rely on a Charlie Hodgson charge-down. England will be aware that Welsh largesse is harder to come by, since the RFU doesn’t hold charitable status in Wales. And if they aren’t already aware of the effects of devolution on tax law, surely they will be after Twickenham, where England look set to take the points quicker than you can say ‘Cynulliad Cenedlaethol Cymru’ (National Assembly for Wales).

Similarly, the large margin of victory in the cricket should not obscure what was, with one notable exception – Alastair Cook, whose knock of 134 was also the difference between the sides – still a batting capitulation at the hands of any bowler who was able to spin the ball any more than the width of an amoeba. On a positive note, it was better than the test series. Realistically, however, it was hard not to be, given how low the bar was set, lower even than Homerton’s performance in the Thomkins table.

Moreover it is hard to laud England’s performance without lamenting the Pakistani collapse. Fortunately, the latter appear now to have reclaimed the mantle of self-destruction that England hogged throughout the Test Series. In an attempt to emulate the farcical displays of assistance in the rugby, Pakistan has spontaneously plumped to become a net foreign aid donor by the end of the series, ignoring Saeed Ajmal’s (Pakistan’s best bowler) wishes to the contrary.

Context, however, is everything, since it could so easily have been worse. Rewind just one month: the RFU was in disarray following the shambles of the World Cup, culminating in the acrimonious resignation of long-time coach Martin Johnson; in the cricket, whitewashed by a lower-ranked Pakistani side in the Test Series, where England’s batsmen managed to surpass 200 runs on only two occasions, the selectors were left with the unenviable task of wondering which batsmen to drop, and how many.

Viewed in this way, damage limitation has already been a success. In the rugby, victory against the Italians makes it two wins from two, despite the tricky conditions and inexperienced setup. As for the cricket, England still tops the test rankings and by now will have scheduled a crash course on not-getting-out-cheaply-to-any-bowler-that-threatens-to-impart-any-turn-on-the-ball. I hope.

Unlike Philip Brainard when he discovered the magical formula, fans and players alike are firmly grounded. The self-criticism that characterises the teams’ approach is refreshing to see. Ultimately, it could help to puncture the inevitable tide of nationalistic fervour, which serves only to unrealistically inflate expectations. English sport isn’t in such a bad place after all.